JENKINS
(Jenkins opens the scene by turning on the lamp over Matthew’s head.)

My name is Officer Jenkins…

(Jenkins removes his “badge” then reattaches it to his shirt. He then walks into a sitting Matthew and plops down on his desk, chewing gum loudly, trying to be cool)

Alright let’s get this over with, where were you on the night of May 20th, 2017?

MATTHEW
I was at home.

JENKINS
Really?

(Jenkins obnoxiously spits out his gum)

What were you doing in your humble abode?

MATTHEW
I was watching TV with my wife until about 10 PM, then we both went to bed.

JENKINS
Well, last time I checked, this camera caught you in a 7-11 on 26th street!

(Jenkins throws a folder labeled “5-20-2017” full of images from a camera)

MATTHEW
(visibly distressed) I… um… Did you say May? I thought you said… um —

JENKINS
(Jenkins slams the table)

SO YOU DID DO SOMETHING??

MATTHEW
What?

JENKINS
So…you’ve finally come clean?

MATTHEW
Come clean about what?

JENKINS
YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID YOU SCUM!

MATTHEW

OBVIOUSLY

(quick, awkward pause from Matthew as he stares at Jenkins blank-faced)

…I don’t. Isn’t it in my Miranda Rights to know why I was arrested? No one ever —

JENKINS
OH SO THE VICTIM’S NAME WAS MIRANDA???

MATTHEW
What victim? Who is Miranda?

JENKINS
I’m askin’ the questions here boi.

MATTHEW
I’m not a boy; I’m 35. In fact, I think you’re younger than me.

JENKINS
Why thank you, people always tell me I look young for my a— OH, TRYING TO SWEETEN ME UP NOW?! I, DON’T, THINK, SO!! You almost, heh, got me there, but ya won’t next time!

MATTHEW
Sir, can I please just go home? I’ve been here all day and I’m very hungry.

JENKINS
Oh so we have a hungry pupper? I’ll get ya somethin’, so whatchu want?

MATTHEW
A cheeseburger. And a coke. I don’t care from where.

JENKINS
OHHHH SO YOU SNIFF COKE TOO?!?!

MATTHEW
What no, I mean COCA-COLA; you know, the SOFT DRINK?

JENKINS
Clearly, we have a brainless freak; drinks can’t be soft, you silly goose. What else you lyin’ bout??

MATTHEW
I have been telling the truth this entire time! I’d like to exercise my right to an attorney.

JENKINS
Oh, sweetie, you don’t get an attorney for an IMMIGRATION CRIME.

MATTHEW
Did I commit an immigration crime?

JENKINS
I DON’T KNOW, DID YOU?!?!

MATTHEW
(sarcastically) Last time I checked —

JENKINS
AHA! Finally coming clean now??

MATTHEW
COMING CLEAN ABOUT WHAT?

JENKINS
Ugh, we’re getting nowhere with this. Looks like a picked a bad day to quit drinking.

(Jenkins pulls out a bottle labeled “VODKA,” takes a huge sip, and pulls out a little book)

Fine, let’s start from the BEGINNING, mr..uh…

MATTHEW
MATTHEW. My name’s MATTHEW.

JENKINS
Alright, “MATTHEW,” where were you on the night of May 20th, 2017?

MATTHEW
On May 20th, I was out with some friends. Sorry for the confusion earlier, I thought you said April.

JENKINS
What were you doing with your comrades, “MATTHEW?”

MATTHEW
We went out for a bite to eat.

JENKINS
Mmhm…Where?

MATTHEW
We went to a seedy Mexican place, then afterwards my stomach was upset so we went to 7-11 to get some TUMS.

JENKINS
(Jenkins taking notes in his little notebook)

Mexicans…so it IS an immigration crime…

MATTHEW
Who are you talking to? Is there a one-way mirror in here?

JENKINS
How do you know what a one-way mirror is, Matthias??

MATTHEW
I told you, it’s Matt —

JENKINS
Answer the question Madeline!!

MATTHEW
MY NAME IS MATTHEW!

JENKINS
I got a real catch with this one; almost like that guy from Split. Looks like I picked a bad day to quit smoking.

(Jenkins pulls out a cigarette)

MATTHEW
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?!?!?!

JENKINS
Hush now, daddy is speaking. Since you wanna play this game, I will ask multiple rapid-fire questions, ya got
that?

MATTHEW
I don’t even know what that (stumbles)— WHAT?!

JENKINS
QUICK! WHAT IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD?!?

MATTHEW
‘MURICA
(Matthew mumbles to himself)
totally…

JENKINS
WHAT’S 9 PLUS 10?!

MATTHEW
19?

JENKINS
IF YOU CLEAN OUT A VACUUM CLEANER, DO YOU BECOME THE VACUUM CLEANER?!?!

MATTHEW
Yes…?

JENKINS
IF ‘Y’ ‘E’ ‘S’ SPELLS “YES,” THEN ‘E’ ‘Y’ ‘E’ ‘S’ SPELLS WHAT??

MATTHEW
Eyes!

JENKINS
IF IT WAS THE END OF THE WORLD AND YOU NEEDED THREE PEOPLE TO SUPPORT YOU, WHO WOULD YOU NEED??

MATTHEW
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!

JENKINS
ARE YOU FEELING IT NOW MR KRABS??

MATTHEW
WHAT?! I TOLD YOU MY NAME IS MATTH—

JENKINS
WHAT ARE THE VOWELS IN THE ALPHABET??

MATTHEW
A, E, I, O, U, AND SOMETIMES Y!

JENKINS
THEN WHY DID YOU COMMIT THAT CRIME?!?!

MATTHEW
WHAT CRIME?!?!

JENKINS
THE ONE YOU…DID…YOU KNOW…

(Jenkins slows down, sighs, and mumbles)

Remember, May 20th?

MATTHEW
NO, I DON’T! YOU SIR, ARE A CRAPPY COP!

JENKINS
(Jenkins, shaken by Matt’s words steps back and places his hand on his chest, and lets out a huge sigh)

Okay, alright. Then only one more question.

MATTHEW
Oh dear God please not another one.

JENKINS
(Jenkins takes a huge breath)

Wh-

CAPTAIN
(Cap opens the classroom/interrogation room door and walks in whistling or humming happily. He then turns on the lights.)

Hello, let’s— Jenkins? What the hell are you doing here?

JENKINS
Interrogating this good-for-nothing lowlife, Captain.

CAPTAIN
Oh no you’re not; you were fired last week!

JENKINS
Sir, I just need to finish this case—

CAPTAIN
Jenkins, this isn’t your case! You were fired because you weren’t taking any cases! Get out of my sight.

JENKINS
(Jenkins hurries off, ashamed and annoyed)

CAPTAIN
Sorry about that, did he bother you too much?

MATTHEW
Let’s just say it’s better now that you’re here.

CAPTAIN
Okay then, let’s get started;

(Captain puts both of his hands on the desk, wearing a serious face)

Where were you on the night of May 20, 2017?

MATTHEW
(As the scene closes, Matthew sighs and drops his head at the realization that people are idiots)

Fin