“You aren’t good enough, you will never be good enough!” I shouted at the reflection. Before there’s a chance to get another word out, the glass shattered.
Most days often ended with my collapsed frame sobbing into the darkest corner of my room, upset with who I was, who I would become if things didn’t change. I didn’t understand why life was so hard for me. Each day I followed a similar routine. I woke up. “You aren’t good enough.” Then, I go to school. “Everyone hates you.” Finally, I drag my feet into my darkened bedroom and rest my head on a tear filled pillow “You will never be good enough.” Each time I looked for something to unclog the blockage of such dehumanizing thoughts, I was left with more baggage to drag along to the next day. I often looked into my mirror, screaming everything my mind could come up with. It soon became a nightly routine once school had started. Each night seemed to amplify the thoughts, the sound, my reflection, it was quickly becoming too much. It turned into a point where the person I yelled at didn’t seem like me at all. It seemed like someone else, a manifestation of every bad thought I had.
The night I couldn’t take it anymore was when I looked into the mirror to perform my nightly ritual and saw nobody but a complete stranger, a stranger who hated me. I dismantled the mirror and tried to look away, but the second I turned around, my fist made contact with the reflection. I punched, and punched again, screaming the entire time; it was the tenth swing that finally broke the glass. My hand immediately retracted from the sound of the sudden crash, even though I could see tiny shards embedded into my knuckles, I didn’t feel a thing. I felt frantic. I looked at the scattered shards across my rug, and I saw myself. It was me. Every turn I took, I was blocking my own path; I created every doubt, every reason to hate the way I existed, everything. I didn’t understand it, but I had my answer. Each negative thought I had was suddenly more audible, as if I could see it standing right in front of me. It scared me. It was a saddening realization that my brain had defaulted to such a hateful state.
To this day, I still deal with those negative thoughts that seep into my daily routine, but now, they seem smaller and much quieter than I had remembered. I know I have a long way to go, but this sign of progress fuels my hope. Seeing that reflection of myself, now in smaller, triangular forms led me to a realization of how much my mental pain can seep into my physical body, my senses, and who I see when I look in the mirror. That punch was out of desperation for change, and when I saw myself again, it felt like a second chance almost, some sort of chance for redemption. I knew it when I looked in the mirror and recognized who it was. Some nights are spent at the edge of my bed, thinking about all the failures that are to come or that have already hit me harder than they should have. I begin to fidget with my hand as I slip into an ocean of worries, but I freeze as I feel that unfamiliar texture. I look down and am greeted with the scars on my knuckles. If I blur my eyes, it almost looks the same as they did that night, and if I blur them even more, it spells out “You are good enough.”
Reflection:
In the next few years, you may also find yourself in the process of writing your first college essay. There are many things to consider when writing a college essay, so it’s important you know what and what not to include. All essays have their own challenges, however, a college essay has its own unique challenges. College essays require comprehension, awareness, and a bit of vulnerability. While the thought of putting your feelings into something you know will be graded is intimidating, including specific characteristics in your essay guarantees a well written college and a good grade.
Firstly, you want to make sure you are responding to the prompt. Most college/scholarship essays usually ask about something that changed you or something you overcame, however, it’s important to do some searching because there are many other prompts out there that could fit the story you want to tell.
When writing your essay you also want to show a sense of self awareness in order to show the reader what happened rather than telling them. When expressing self awareness, it’s best to use anecdotes and epiphanies in order to create more impact in what you are saying. For example, using personal examples of times when you were vulnerable or stories that are directly related to things you have personally experienced is very helpful in allowing the reader to better understand who you are and the message you’re trying to convey.
Also, vulnerability is a huge part of your college essay. Being vulnerable in your writing, especially when writing to people you’ve never met and people who are potentially the only thing standing between you and an acceptance letter, can be scary, but it is a necessity. Allowing yourself to put emotion into your writing allows your essay to be more personal which in turn gives the reader a deeper understanding of who you are as a person and who you want to be moving forward.
Poignancy, or allowing yourself to show vulnerability, is extremely important. For example, giving specific examples of how a specific event or person in your life impacted you or how it made you feel. You want to make sure your essay reveals your core values in order to let the reader know how you’ve changed and the type of person you are.
Perseverance is my core value, and it’s shown throughout the essay as I show the reader my willingness to fight through challenges with my mental health. Overall, a college essay is your opportunity to introduce yourself and show the person that you want colleges to see. Being vulnerable and open about your past obstacles and your growth as a person is a great way for colleges to decide if you’re a good fit or not, so it’s very important that you include as much information as possible while remaining within reason.
